Forty is the new thirty. Thirty is the new twenty. Blah blah. But let’s face it, there ARE signs that we’re ageing. In the future we may live in vacuum-packed capsules with IPhones permanently plugged into our eyes. We may get multi-vitamin tap water and creams that can lift our eyebrows so we’ve permanently got the ‘high-five face’ but the year is 2016. Some of us are ageing right now (i.e. I am ageing right now).
Here are 10 signs that it’s happening.
1. I look forward to ‘The Great British Bake Off’ A LOT
On a Wednesday around midday, I suddenly remember that it’s on and I get a head-rush like I used to feel approaching a night club with my best mate in the ’90s. In fact I get so excited that I swoon and feel dizzy and then remember that this is not a night out flirting/dancing/ being the life and soul of the dance floor (then I feel a bit sorry for myself)
2. I look and feel hungover every day
I look hungover and feel hungover. Sometimes when it gets to three in the afternoon, my eyes feel so tired that I wonder whether I’m coming down with the flu. My face looks haggard and when I cry, the tears fall down the lines that have formed on either side of my mouth (which only makes me weep even more- where did THESE LINES EVEN come from?)
3. My body hurts
Sometimes it’s my back (most often). Other times it’s shoulders. Each time I sit down I notice something isn’t right. When I wake in the morning, the first thing I do is a mental full body scan to see what will be giving me the most jip (today it’s my neck which feels like an elephant slept on it last night).
4. My idea of rock and roll rebellions is TWO glasses of wine
In the past I would have stayed out all night and smoked/drank/maybe even other stuff too. Now an extra glass is a BIG DEAL
5. I go to bed an hour after my child
I look forward to this even more than ‘Bake Off’. In bed I say that I’ll watch something on Netflix but end up falling asleep because my eyes are so sleepy (and the extra glass of wine of course)
6. I like nice bed sheets/scented candles/dressing gowns
Before I wouldn’t have given a hoot about what kind of bed sheets I had. Now I salivate over bed linen and ‘thread counts’. A clean bed is like heaven on earth. I also LOVE scented candles. In fact if anyone had told me back in the 90’s I’d be spending forty quid on a candle, I’d have laughed in their face. And what’s the deal with dressing gowns??? Sometimes I find myself fondling the fabric with a dreamy expression on my face (I actually fancy my dressing gown MORE than Prince Albert in the new ‘Victoria’ series on ITV)
7. I don’t know what music is about now
I like to stay on top of things but about 80% of the artists on Spotify are people I’ve never heard of. Last night I watched the Mercury Music Awards and kept repeating ‘Who is Skepta?’ over and over. When I ask younger colleagues what music they’re listening to, I have to pretend that I know what they’re talking about. I then get embarrassed in the lift when my headphones fall out of my phone and everyone knows that I’m listening to INXS and Suicide Blonde
8. I always check the age of a celebrity in a magazine interview
I usually scan the whole article to see what age they are. Then I look at their photo and try and figure out if they look okay or weird. If the age isn’t written down, then I Google them obsessively and then study their face again. I ignore the rest of the article (especially the guff where they go on about how comfortable they are with ageing etc. as I know it’s not true)
9. A night IN ON THE SOFA is THE BEST
Clubs, bars and restaurants are TOO NOISY. And there are no chairs to sit down on. WHAT’S THE POINT?
10. I talk about dinner and what we’ll eat incessantly
Did you eat when you were in your twenties? Did you talk about it? Now if you add up all the time I spend talking about ‘what shall we have for dinner tonight?’ it would be about seven years.
So there you go, I’m growing old. Alas there’s nothing that can be done but do you know what? It’s not so bad. Tonight I’ll be lighting a scented candle, clambering into my comfy M&S dressing gown and tucking into my second glass of wine.
I’m embracing older age (well what else can I do?)