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View as: GRID LIST

10 TRUTHS OF MOTHERHOOD

1
* You will learn to love flat shoes – I was given the nickname Imelda Marcos in my previous office and as far as my daily wardrobe was concerned, flat shoes were always a no-no. Now they are the only thing I ever wear due to their practical nature when chasing small children about. Thankfully they’re considered fashionable right now, so it’s a double win.

* You’ll be late – for everything – In my previous life I was a stickler for timekeeping and hated being late for anything, but now it too has become par of the course with two small

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2
ones in tow. Despite all the best planning in the world, you can guarantee as soon as you want to leave the house either, or if I’m really unlucky, both small people will want the toilet, fall over in a muddy puddle or run off down the bottom of our lengthy garden to play hide and seek.

* You will leave the house without make-up on – To be honest I barely wore any before having children. Now there’s even less time to factor in the application of any into my morning routine to at least make myself look half presentable, thanks to the fact I

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3
am always running late (see above).

* You’ll throw on yesterday’s clothes – Not something I’m proud of, but on occasion – mainly when running late – I’ve been known to grab the discarded garments from my bedroom floor, left there the day before (but NEVER my underwear, I hasten to add).

* You’ll go outside, inside out – Pretty much the same as above, except clothes are grabbed from the airing cupboard, and due to being in a hurry, I have been known to pull the odd top on with the seams and labels on show.

* You’ll

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4
go without showering – In the early days when both my children were under two and every night was a sleepless one, I would often forgo my morning shower. Not it happens more rarely, but it still happens. A small sacrifice that is sometimes necessary if I have somewhere to attempt to be on time.

* You’ll sniff bums in public – Before, the very thought would have been enough to put me off child-rearing for life. Now a battle-hardened nappy changer it’s become second nature as soon as an unsavory smell enters the room to bow my head and see

SelfishMother.com
5
if my child is the guilty party.

* You’ll hide to take a phonecall. Probably in a cupboard – Yes this really happened. I’d landed a commission from a national newspaper and the male journalist I was dealing with called one afternoon while both minis were at home. As soon as the phone rang they started squabbling, so I moved to the pantry and shut the door, only for my son who was two at the time to burst through squealing at the top of his voice ’I want to talk to Daddy!’. Thankfully the person on the other end saw the funny side on this

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6
occasion.

* You’ll head to bed before 8pm – My husband is a lark, and I am definitely an owl and until we met I was convinced there was only one 5 ’o clock. As soon as our babies came along I found myself hitting the sack earlier and earlier in a bid to try and claw back some of the sleep cruelly snatched from me. And there were several times I went to bed when it was still daylight – my pre-child self would never have done this. But then again, she also wouldn’t have sniffed a bum in public.

* You’ll continually refer to yourself in the

SelfishMother.com
7
third person – ‘Mummy’s coming’, ‘Mummy will do it,’ ‘Mummy will kiss it better’ – you get the gist. It’s got to be the most annoying habit in the world and I’m ashamed to say I still do it now from time to time. Whenever I catch myself say those words I cringe inside. But they say that acknowledging the problem is the first step to recovery…

Motherhood is different for all of us… if you’d like to share your thoughts, why not join our Network & start posting?

SelfishMother.com
Kate Chapman

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- 6 Apr 15

* You will learn to love flat shoes – I was given the nickname Imelda Marcos in my previous office and as far as my daily wardrobe was concerned, flat shoes were always a no-no. Now they are the only thing I ever wear due to their practical nature when chasing small children about. Thankfully they’re considered fashionable right now, so it’s a double win.

* You’ll be late – for everything – In my previous life I was a stickler for timekeeping and hated being late for anything, but now it too has become par of the course with two small ones in tow. Despite all the best planning in the world, you can guarantee as soon as you want to leave the house either, or if I’m really unlucky, both small people will want the toilet, fall over in a muddy puddle or run off down the bottom of our lengthy garden to play hide and seek.

* You will leave the house without make-up on – To be honest I barely wore any before having children. Now there’s even less time to factor in the application of any into my morning routine to at least make myself look half presentable, thanks to the fact I am always running late (see above).

* You’ll throw on yesterday’s clothes – Not something I’m proud of, but on occasion – mainly when running late – I’ve been known to grab the discarded garments from my bedroom floor, left there the day before (but NEVER my underwear, I hasten to add).

* You’ll go outside, inside out – Pretty much the same as above, except clothes are grabbed from the airing cupboard, and due to being in a hurry, I have been known to pull the odd top on with the seams and labels on show.

* You’ll go without showering – In the early days when both my children were under two and every night was a sleepless one, I would often forgo my morning shower. Not it happens more rarely, but it still happens. A small sacrifice that is sometimes necessary if I have somewhere to attempt to be on time.

* You’ll sniff bums in public – Before, the very thought would have been enough to put me off child-rearing for life. Now a battle-hardened nappy changer it’s become second nature as soon as an unsavory smell enters the room to bow my head and see if my child is the guilty party.

* You’ll hide to take a phonecall. Probably in a cupboard – Yes this really happened. I’d landed a commission from a national newspaper and the male journalist I was dealing with called one afternoon while both minis were at home. As soon as the phone rang they started squabbling, so I moved to the pantry and shut the door, only for my son who was two at the time to burst through squealing at the top of his voice ‘I want to talk to Daddy!’. Thankfully the person on the other end saw the funny side on this occasion.

* You’ll head to bed before 8pm – My husband is a lark, and I am definitely an owl and until we met I was convinced there was only one 5 ‘o clock. As soon as our babies came along I found myself hitting the sack earlier and earlier in a bid to try and claw back some of the sleep cruelly snatched from me. And there were several times I went to bed when it was still daylight – my pre-child self would never have done this. But then again, she also wouldn’t have sniffed a bum in public.

* You’ll continually refer to yourself in the third person – ‘Mummy’s coming’, ‘Mummy will do it,’ ‘Mummy will kiss it better’ – you get the gist. It’s got to be the most annoying habit in the world and I’m ashamed to say I still do it now from time to time. Whenever I catch myself say those words I cringe inside. But they say that acknowledging the problem is the first step to recovery…

Motherhood is different for all of us… if you’d like to share your thoughts, why not join our Network & start posting?

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Kate Chapman

Kate Chapman is a freelance journalist writing for a variety of national and regional newspapers and magazines. Her work has appeared in Woman's Weekly, Closer, Sunday Mirror, Sunday Express, Countryside, Lincolnshire Life and Farmers Weekly. Married to a Lincolnshire farmer, she is mum to Nancy (7) and Peter (6). Her hobbies include running, baking and chocolate (only does the first so she can have the second).

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