- Get Fat BEFORE You Get Pregnant. It really confuses people. I did this. Not intentionally. People will then think you look thinner once the baby’s out. I think that’s how it works…
- Big Hair. Big hair makes your body look thinner. Fact. Thankfully, I was born with a Jewfro so this has never been a problem for me. Even if your hair has thinned a little during pregnancy, don’t let this dissuade you. A diet rich in iron and a little light backcombing will help. Shove your hair in rollers whilst baby-wrangling your way through a nappy change or whilst watching the little one knock itself out in its Jumperoo and you will instantly look all glossy and catwalk ready as soon as you take them out. You are now even authorised by law in certain places (notably Liverpool and Essex) to go to the shops whilst in rollers, so no excuses, ladies!
- Wear prints. Everyone tells you to wear black as it is slimming but for me, wearing black has a similar effect to drawing chalk on the floor around a murder victim- it just re-emphasises your physique and its boundaries. I say, wear clashing prints and mix and match them to the point that no-one can see where you begin and your clothes end; trompe l’oeil at its greatest! People will stare and stare and stare at your body, scrutinising whether you’ve lost that baby weight or not and will instead just get a headache and maybe a dizzy spell. For older readers who remember it, you could even get a Magic Eye stereogram of a skinny supermodel imprinted on your outfit, so that when people look at you, all they see is Kate Moss. Clever.
- Belts With Jeans. Now I never thought any sane woman would wear belted jeans unless they were going to an 80’s revival, but nipping in your waist with a bit of leather is my failsafe trick for recreating a bit of an ‘hourglass’ (especially if your hourglass has a little more ‘sand’ in it than before). Better than trying to wear Spanx- nice idea but the fat has got to go SOMEWHERE and instead of having belly fat, it can morph into armpit fat or worse still, cankle fat and no-one wants that, do they? Remember ladies, there is no such thing as magic, even if Paul Daniels really does exist.
- Contouring. It’s tricky, so I would say get on YouTube fast and learn this trick pronto. You can contour your face, even contour in abs these days. If you have never heard of contouring it is basically using dark powder to physically draw in bones, ergo recreating an ‘I am thin and hungry look’ with which to emulate the s’models.
- High Waisted Jeans. You know this. We all know this. It’s what mums do; the name ‘Mum Jeans’ isn’t for nowt, you know! Jeans are containers for post-baby tummies. Roll that belly up and fit it neatly inside your skyward-facing Simon Cowell-esque waistband. It’s a bit like rolling a poster into a small cardboard tube or packing away a tent. You’ll get the hang of it.
- Beautify Your Thin Bits. Prettify all the bits of you that haven’t got and cannot get fat; celebrate them! Fingernails, toenails, earlobes. G-d bless them! This is also a great distraction technique (which is what all of these tips are essentially all about). Sleight of hand, baby, sleight of hand! Get jewels stuck on your nails if poss and blind people’s gaze before their eyes meet with your jelly belly. Wear huge earrings to go with your monster sized hairdo…the possibilities are endless…
- Babycessorize. Not in the way that slebs like the Kardashians do and colour-coordinate their baby to within an inch of their life. I am talking about using that bundle of love to deflect from your wobbles by holding them in a position that covers up your worst bits; a bit like how TV directors use giant handbags to hide actresses’ pregnant bellies in soap operas. After all, babies are cute and people want to look at them so you are thusly giving the crowd what they want. Yay! Tummy looking a bit bulgy today? Get that baby carrier on full frontal! Hips looking chunky? Go for a sideways baby hold! Make-up looking a bit lacking? Hold that baby high and cover your face. This also helps with Tip 9.
- Advanced Baby-lifting. Supermodels always have great biceps. Work those biceps by lifting your baby up and down regularly. This is also a good opportunity to give them a good hug and a kiss which in turn will make you happy and smile (which is how supermodels roll when out in public or are paid to be in adverts, although not on the catwalk where the default setting is ‘grumpy’).
- And finally, just be you and stop worrying about trying to look like a Supermodel because you are the only person placing that ridiculous demand on yourself. And even more importantly, don’t compare yourself to supermodels or slebs who’ve recently had babies; don’t even read those ‘How Blah Blah Dropped The Baby Weight’, or ‘Wow, how to get Blah Blah’s post-baby six pack’ articles; it is akin to banging your head against a brick wall. I should know; I have the bruises. Don’t forget that Supermodels have the following in their looking-good arsenal: staff, stylists, hairdressers, make-up artists, nannies, trainers, filters, lighting, small shreds of food delivered by courier and the pictures you see of them are the best shots out of thousands of frames taken. Unless you were a supermodel pre-pregness, the only chance of you looking like one post-pregness is somewhere between fat and no. Stretch marks are tiger stripes and wobbly bellies make fun soft play areas for babies to bounce on. Be the best version of you. End of. You are pretty super already. You made a human for frik’s sake!
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