I’ve decided: 2017 is going to be different. After a long hard look at 2016, I’ve realised that despite my resolutions, I still have A) a messy house, B) a muffin top and C) a hangover.
So it’s about time I wrote a fresh manifesto which will actually change my life for the better. This year I’m starting a New Years Revolution because you know what? I’m sick of setting myself unrealistic goals that serve no other purpose than to make me feel like a big useless failure of a mother.
Here’s my Fuck-it List for 2017. Care to join me?
1) Accept your body
It’s time to face facts: your body has given birth and it is never going to look the same as that time you wore a catsuit to the pub when you were 17. Instead of worrying because you’re still secretly wearing maternity jeans, give thanks for their comfy elasticated waistbands that allow you to eat second helpings without undoing your buttons. Imagine how much better you’ll feel if you don’t spend another 12 months living off tasteless diet food and trying to regain a body that belongs to a different time and place. Men don’t do this shit – so why should we?
2) Embrace the mess
Get real – your dining table will never, ever be tidy. Within minutes of clearing a space to put your kids dinner out, the tide of miscellaneous crap begins to creep in, washing up CBeebies magazines, stray Lego, mismatched socks and “inventions” made from lollipop sticks, toilet paper and glitter. Likewise, clean washing will never actually be ironed, folded and neatly put away. It will continue to be draped all over the radiators and piled up on the arm of the sofa, where it can stay creased until you need it. So do yourself a favour and make peace with your mess. Or if you can, get a cleaner. As my friend Carrie puts it: “If I’m going to spend all day at home changing nappies and wiping arses, I don’t see why I should clean the toilet too.”
3) Save the gym membership
I don’t care what half-price, partners-go-free, no joining fee off-peak super deal they’ve got going on. The only pounds you’re going to shed will be from your pocket, as your membership card stays firmly in your wallet and you manage to make it to one Yogalates class every 6 weeks. By the end of the year you figure out that your handful of half-assed, guilt-trips to the gym have actually cost you £63.99 per visit. Do yourself a favour, buy a couple of Davina DVDs and use the kids as props. Remember each time you pick up a toddler, that’s 2 stone you’re bench-pressing right there. Running breathlessly late to school drop off every day must burn off a few calories and if you’re really desperate for some cardio-funk, try sex. It’s completely free, you can exercise lying down and you might even enjoy it.
4) Eat, drink and be merry
New Year is usually the time you vow to give up alcohol and chocolate. But why deprive yourself of Mother’s Little Helpers? Sometimes, the only way I can get through the day is by sticking my head in the cupboard and emptying mini-smarties boxes straight down my throat like shots. And when the Pontipines settle into their beds, a chilled glass of wine can help me forget I spent an afternoon watching Peppa Pig reruns, sluicing out a potty and picking Playdoh out of the carpet.
5) You’re already a good Mum
You don’t need to take the kids to more places, or do meaningful craft activities on a Saturday afternoon. So what if you shout sometimes? You’re doing a 24 hour job for no pay and – let’s face it – brief moments of job satisfaction interspersed with lengthy episodes of extreme irritation. The last time you went to the toilet alone was probably years ago, but your partner still gets a 45 minute daily poo-break. So this year, give up the mum-guilt. You’re doing your best and quite frankly, your kids probably don’t give a shit about educational visits or brisk walks in the park. They’d rather stay in and watch telly.
So, what’s on your Fuck-It List for 2017?
© Rebellious Mum