I barely noticed you when you arrived I was so relieved for it to be over, you see it was all about me then but now it’s all about you. All I had read were pregnancy and labour books so once we got you home it was a steep learning curve.
Not being especially maternal I didn’t fall for you until you were about 5 months old but now you’ve got me hook, line and sinker. When I think of you I instantly feel calm and happy, sometimes I miss you even when your just upstairs sleeping.
I think about life before you sometimes, how easy and carefree it was, weekends spent lolling around hungover in coffee shops and restaurants – that was my life for so long and I miss it at times.
I mustn’t lie, I’ve found the changes in my life very hard, I’ve felt lonely and really struggled at times with how hard parenting is, especially in the first year. My mind would have flashes of getting on a train to anywhere, disappearing and booking myself into a central London Premier Inn for a couple of nights to sit in a dressing gown and watch TV while eating peanut m&ms in between sleeping. Instead, the one escape every day was to the shower for 10 minutes or so where I could briefly close the door behind me and only hear the soothing sound of the water. Everyone said ‘it does get easier’ and it did, or did I just get used to my new life.
Its been magical watching you grow and learn, seeing the wonder in your eyes as you explore the world. You continue to astound and amaze me. I can’t imagine having another baby and loving them as much as I love you, I feel like I would burst.
I hope you think I am a good mum when you are older, I hope you can turn to me, confide in me, that we are close. That we are the kind of mum and daughter who talk everyday. I hope I’m wise enough to guide you, worldly enough to inspire you, I hope you are as proud of me as I am of you.
You are the sun rising, the world turning, the stars in my sky.
All my love forever and always, Mummy xxx