Did you watch Motherland? The BBC comedy written by Sharon Horgan. I loved it… and it resonated.
Especially in the last episode when the main character offloads her thoughts to a guy in a hospital bed. “I feel like I’m always rushing,” she says, “from one thing to another… just rushing, everywhere.”
And that is basically how I feel every day at the moment.
Like I’m living life on fast-forward. But like someone else is driving, and their foot is on the pedal. I don’t know how to reach the brakes to slow down.
When I wake up in the morning there is a very short spell (maybe 5 minutes) of lazy laying about and cuddling one of my kids before either my baby Liberty starts wailing that she is hungry, or Tom my husband declares we’ve all got to get up for the school run.
So, I rush to get dressed, or sometimes I just rush to simply put a cardi on over my nightie so I can get downstairs in time to give Liberty some food & stop her grebbling. Then we rush to get kids’ breakfast done & the boys ready for school, teeth, shoes, you know the drill. Rush. Rush. Rush.
Then once they are out the door, I am alone with Liberty & I rush my breakfast. I rush making a coffee and then I rush having a shower or doing my makeup while also amusing her… & then if it is a work day I rush out the door… & at work I rush through emails & meetings & calls & then I rush off home again to do the school pick up.
The Cindi Lauper ‘Rush Hour’ song from the 80s often goes round in my head. I’m rushing so much that I find my shoulders hunched & my stomach sucked in, causing an internal stress.
Phrases like Kill your speed, Live Fast Die Young, Slow Down… suddenly seem pertinent. I’d love to slow down but it feels like there isn’t a second to do it when I’m not needed by someone else or have things to get completed.
And, I know its a strange time right now – what with a 6 month old baby & a business that takes all of my energy, & then there’s the cumulative lack of sleep, which I’m sure doesn’t help.
And it doesn’t stop really. I don’t feel there are seconds spare at the moment to just be. To take it slow. To sit and do absolutely nothing. To take my time over simple tasks.
You see, I dream of leisurely mono tasking… like having a long hot bath by myself, or taking time over the cooking a meal, or browsing the shops without an agenda, or enjoying a magazine cover to cover… or just gazing out of the window with the clock tick tocks, without a plan, or anywhere to be, or anything to do.
These are my fantasies right now. If I had a million pounds, that is what I’d spend it on. SLOW time. Just. Not. Rushing.