They are six and three.
I am hiding from my children, but not in a fun ‘hide and seek’ kind of way. More in a I can’t bear to look at them kind of way. I know that makes me a terrible mother, but there you are, I’ve said it. If you have ever felt like this, you may well feel comforted by these words…and if you haven’t, well, feel free to be horrified.
The truth is, at this moment in time, they are driving me crazy – and I don’t mean just the average day to day crazy, I mean ACTUAL CRAZY. The kind where the very sound of the word “mummy” makes me want to scream out loud and melt into a big puddle, crying (like when the three year old has his toast cut into triangles instead of squares). Yeah, that. I know it sounds ridiculous and totally melodramatic, but I can’t help it. So that’s why I’m hiding upstairs, whilst they are playing outside in the garden with their Daddy, blissfully unaware of my near mental breakdown.
Don’t get me wrong, they’re not particularly badly behaved, I think they’re actually pretty good. Yes, they know exactly how to push my buttons, they don’t listen to me, they ask me the same questions over and over, and they fight and bicker with each other all the time. But in general they are polite, nice and kind. You know, standard mini dictator Jekyll and Hyde behaviour.
This last couple of weeks have been a struggle for me. It’s like I had felt this anger just building up inside, with every day that passed. All the small frustrations and niggles have stayed with me and just grown on top of each other. All the molehills became a mountain. Until today, today I had no more give left. Today I really lost my shit. I cried when I told my husband that he’d have to have them for the rest of the evening, and put them to bed, because I couldn’t bear to look at them. And I cried more when I heard them outside playing, laughing and giggling with their Daddy, when all they did with me all day was cry and shout (obviously not ALL day, but as I said, I was feeling a touch melodramatic).
I’ve been feeling a bit lost recently, unsure of what I’m doing in terms of work; and I’ve unwittingly fallen into a stay at home mum role. So basically I’m having a bit of an identity crisis, and I took it out on my children (and inevitably by darling husband). Like I said, worst mum ever.
But sometimes I think we need to have these breakdowns so we can reset ourselves. I know I tend to carry my issues around with me, like baggage, because they don’t seem like big things at the time – don’t sweat the small stuff you know? In reality however, the small things do matter, and if you don’t address feelings and emotions at the time they arise, well, they can build up into a different beast altogether. And before you know it, you’re hiding from your children.
So tomorrow is a new day, an opportunity to start afresh. That’s what I’m telling myself anyway! Fingers crossed I’ll be a better mum, for all our sakes.