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Motherhood is a Cult

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Controversial title I know. But motherhood isn’t just any old mediocre cult, not like your flash in the pan Charles Manson fad or your practically newborn 67-year-old scientology, oh no, Motherhood is THE cult. The OG cult if you will.

Like all self-respecting cults it comes armed with some seriously sensationalised and majorly guilt inducing propaganda. Motherhood propaganda includes, but is not limited to;

• Pressuring all mothers into an ‘ideal labour’ this means an all-natural and completely unmedicated labour that would ideally take

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place in a forest surrounded by chirping woodland creatures or  whilst bobbing in an ocean with dolphins encircling you and performing a choreographed dolphin dance.

• Putting the fear of god into mothers that if they don’t latch the kid directly onto their nipples within 16 seconds of pushing it out (in the aforementioned woodland or ocean scene) they will never bond with their baby nor will it ever reach a suitable IQ and this will increase their babies’ chance of going to maximum security prison by 87%. But don’t be as blasé as to think

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the latching stops there ladies! Your offspring needs to have ample bosom access 24/7 for as long as it desires, but obviously not too long as then it is unnatural and unnecessary and fellow cult members can and will shame you.

• The Cult of Motherhood proposes a very mysterious balancing act of being constantly home with your kids creating Pinterest worthy works of art whilst you also maintain a career that ideally cures cancer and also provides enough income to style your house like a sodding show home and allows you to take your children on

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worldwide whirlwind adventures to cultural and educational destinations. As yet no one has actually figured out the exact method of obtaining this stay at home/career mogul balance but once they do, they are immediately expedited up the cult ranks to the lustrous and much desired position of ‘supreme mother’.

• You must remember to feed your child a macro perfected, delicious and Instagram worthy meal at every breakfast, lunch and dinner but be mindful not be anything as crazy as gluten free, vegetarian (or heaven forbid) vegan as the cult does

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not enjoy radicals.

• Your child needs not only be intellectually superior and of course meet all their physical milestones the day before Google says they should, but your child must also be Von Trapp level behaved without the mother doing anything as barbaric as actually discipling said child.

• Finally, all mothers are required to “bounce back” to pre-baby bod within 14 business days of labour but for god’s sake don’t be proud of it, no one likes a show off.

Don’t fret that you might forget the propaganda or unintentionally

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break any of Cult Motherhood’s many, many rules. Rest assured there are fanatic members everywhere just lying in wait with unsolicited opinions, comments and hardy judgemental glares at the ready to ensure you never forget your place and fall quickly and quietly back into the Motherhood ranks.

Now that I have provided much of the information required for you to join this fabulous and completely natural life choice (see CULT) that no doubt every woman on planet earth wants to be a part of you might be feeling overwhelmed. But no need – “it’s a

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breeze”, “you’ll take to it like a duck to water” and “know exactly what to do when the time comes”.

Enjoy  🙂

*lifetime membership costs approximately $233,610 (no refunds).

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- 7 Jan 19

Controversial title I know. But motherhood isn’t just any old mediocre cult, not like your flash in the pan Charles Manson fad or your practically newborn 67-year-old scientology, oh no, Motherhood is THE cult. The OG cult if you will.

Like all self-respecting cults it comes armed with some seriously sensationalised and majorly guilt inducing propaganda. Motherhood propaganda includes, but is not limited to;

• Pressuring all mothers into an ‘ideal labour’ this means an all-natural and completely unmedicated labour that would ideally take place in a forest surrounded by chirping woodland creatures or  whilst bobbing in an ocean with dolphins encircling you and performing a choreographed dolphin dance.

• Putting the fear of god into mothers that if they don’t latch the kid directly onto their nipples within 16 seconds of pushing it out (in the aforementioned woodland or ocean scene) they will never bond with their baby nor will it ever reach a suitable IQ and this will increase their babies’ chance of going to maximum security prison by 87%. But don’t be as blasé as to think the latching stops there ladies! Your offspring needs to have ample bosom access 24/7 for as long as it desires, but obviously not too long as then it is unnatural and unnecessary and fellow cult members can and will shame you.

• The Cult of Motherhood proposes a very mysterious balancing act of being constantly home with your kids creating Pinterest worthy works of art whilst you also maintain a career that ideally cures cancer and also provides enough income to style your house like a sodding show home and allows you to take your children on worldwide whirlwind adventures to cultural and educational destinations. As yet no one has actually figured out the exact method of obtaining this stay at home/career mogul balance but once they do, they are immediately expedited up the cult ranks to the lustrous and much desired position of ‘supreme mother’.

• You must remember to feed your child a macro perfected, delicious and Instagram worthy meal at every breakfast, lunch and dinner but be mindful not be anything as crazy as gluten free, vegetarian (or heaven forbid) vegan as the cult does not enjoy radicals.

• Your child needs not only be intellectually superior and of course meet all their physical milestones the day before Google says they should, but your child must also be Von Trapp level behaved without the mother doing anything as barbaric as actually discipling said child.

• Finally, all mothers are required to “bounce back” to pre-baby bod within 14 business days of labour but for god’s sake don’t be proud of it, no one likes a show off.

Don’t fret that you might forget the propaganda or unintentionally break any of Cult Motherhood’s many, many rules. Rest assured there are fanatic members everywhere just lying in wait with unsolicited opinions, comments and hardy judgemental glares at the ready to ensure you never forget your place and fall quickly and quietly back into the Motherhood ranks.

Now that I have provided much of the information required for you to join this fabulous and completely natural life choice (see CULT) that no doubt every woman on planet earth wants to be a part of you might be feeling overwhelmed. But no need – “it’s a breeze”, “you’ll take to it like a duck to water” and “know exactly what to do when the time comes”.

Enjoy  🙂

*lifetime membership costs approximately $233,610 (no refunds).

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