Tick tock tick tock tick tock…
I’ve been ‘off’ for a year and the time is soon coming to head back to work from my maternity leave. I have three weeks left. I can’t comprehend how I’m at this point already! I’ve been out of the office for 12 months now and I just can’t believe it’s time to get ready to head back.
I love my job. I work in marketing for a well-regarded arts centre, working on cinema promotions; creating a cinema guide, writing copy, managing campaigns and ‘dicking around on social media’, as my not-husband thinks. It’s a great job in a lovely team, and as far as ‘work’ goes, I’ve landed on my feet in a pretty sweet role. I am passionate, enthused and excited about what I do, but I’ll tell you what, that doesn’t make much of a dent in the ‘back to work’ blues that are creeping up on me right now.
I left my job in September 2016 a pregnant 28 year old who was hard-working but perhaps not as confident in her skin as she could, or should, have been. I’m going back a strong mother in the final year of her 20s. I’ve changed. I am 100% sure I am a better person than when I left. I am more confident, I’m more sure of myself, I have the courage of my convictions, and I know I’ll be a better employee. I should be feeling ready and raring to go with this new-found sureness, but I’m nervous. I’m not ready. I’m at home at playgroups, baby yoga and park visits. My desk suddenly feels way out of my comfort zone. The ‘workplace’ now seems like a distant memory. I know I’ll be made to feel welcomed back, with arms wide open and a hot cup of tea and a good chin-wag, but I can’t help but let the niggles creep in, that my world of work kept spinning for a year without me and I might not have been missed. I’ve always been one to take things personally, and I’m finding it hard transitioning back to ‘Communications Officer Chloe’ and the job I left behind in someone else’s more than capable hands.
‘They were fine without me’. ‘She did great in my shoes’. ‘I bet they didn’t miss me’. ‘Maybe they’d rather I wasn’t coming back?’ ‘How will a job-share even work?’ ‘I bet she’s better than I am’ – These thoughts have been circling round when I let them. I know I shouldn’t. But I can’t seem to shake the worries and the what-ifs. Oh how I wish I was more chilled about life!
I’m going to love being back. I hope it. I know it. I’m sure it’s time, and I do know it’s for the best. I love being a mum but I get bored some days. A couple of mornings a week I wake to wonder what I can do all day to see us through to bedtime. I’m ready to get back to my old self for a bit of the week. It’s time to use a part of my brain that’s been gathering dust since a year past. I keep telling myself I’ll feel fine once I’m back. I’ll be getting stuck in and enjoying it in no time. But until I’m there and sitting at a keyboard for the first time in 13 months, I’ll be home and cramming in as many lovely moments with my wee one as I can. It’s the end of a big chapter in our book. It’s time to share her with Grandma and Granny and go back to commuting, copywriting, hot cuppas and calendars. See you soon work chums, I’m coming for you!
Scottish homegirl sharing mama moments and coastal loveliness
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