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- 30 Sep 16

Before you have a kid you look at people with kids and think ‘i’ll never be like them’. Then you have one and it all goes out the window.

Here’s a selection of parenting ‘no go’s’ that I, unfortunately, have committed:

– Sniffed my childs bum to smell if they’ve poohed.

– Internally judged someone’s choice of buggy. This makes me an awful person.

– Made non-parents have brunch when really the wanted lunch.

– Overshared photos of my off spring on every conceivable form of social media.

– Started talking about schools. A lot. Bertie doesn’t even start school until September 2017.

– Cleaned their face with spit. I even remember how unpleasant this was when it was done to be as a kid, yet still find myself doing it.

– Put my boys in matching outfits. I swore I wouldn’t. But turns-out twinning is just so bloody cute.

– Referred to my husband as Daddy more often than by his name.

– Unpacked a whole picnic for my kid in a restaurant. Is this cheeky? Maybe. But it’s better than wasting money on grub they’ll never eat.

– Picked a dummy up off the floor then sucked if before giving it back to my child. Why? Why? Why? Totally pointless gesture. As if this magically removes all germs. It’s a reflex. An unstoppable daft reflex.

– Got to a point where your 3-year-old refers to an expensive electronic device as ‘theirs’ i.e. ‘Mummy can I watch my ipad now?’ Cringe. It’s clearly not theirs, but seeing as he uses is 90% of the time I can understand why he might be confused.

– Give zero fucks about the state of the family car. Why don’t they clear the biscuit smears off the car seat? Why are there of wrappers, shoes, buckets and spades and party bag toys in the foot well? Why don’t I care enough to do something? I don’t know why. But I die a bit every time an unsuspecting person requests a lift in the hideous child mobile.

– Use child speak even though you are an articulate adult. In our house we refer to a nappy as a pappy, a dummy as a num, going to bed as getting snuggly bug. Our poor baby niece is Umbrella rather than Isabella. Once you start allowing this gobbledygook to become part of your day-to-day vernacular you can’t stop. What How do we expect our off-spring to learn proper language if we don’t adult-up and teach them?

– Photographed an explosive nappy situation and sent it your other half.

– Told someone other than your other half about how explosive the nappy was.

– Picked your child’s nose, ear wax, cradle cap and got a bit of pleasure out of how much you harvested. Seriously. I’m repulsed at myself.

– Waxed lyrical about the benefits of baby wipes. Admittedly they are amazing and I often wish I had a packet to hand at work. But really? It’s rubbish chat.

– Sung along to the Peppa Pig theme tune. Oink.

– Written thank you cards as if they were penned by your child. Embarrassing but true. “Woody says thank you very much for his birthday money..” No he doesn’t! Woody hasn’t got the foggiest about finance. If Woody was honest he would have much preferred an edible gift.

I am sure this is the tip of the iceburg of Parenting Crimes I am guilty of, but what you can you do? That’s the thing about parenting: it turns you into someone you didn’t think you’d become. Sometimes for the better, occasionally for the worse. Fact is, you can’t fight it; so you may as laugh and hope that you aren’t the only one at it *she says hopefully*.

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Clemmie Telford

Whatcha. I am a Mamma of two little boys, living in South East London. It feel as if I am constantly winging it as I parent. But maybe I'll still feel like that when I am 72? I write in lists because, well, I'm not quite capable of stringing together or writing a sentence any more. They are a collection of observations of this mental journey we are all on. It's a 'roller-coaster ride' you can't get off, so we may as well laugh (and drink Gin).

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