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- 3 Sep 16

Not everybody knows this but when you give birth to your first child you also give birth to a little fairy. She’s kind of like Tinkerbell but WAY uglier and a total bitch.

Instead of carrying a wand she carries around a shovel of shit which she cracks into your skull whenever she feels like you are doing a bad job. Which it transpires, is quite a lot.

shittu (1)

The purpose of this fairy is to make you feel guilty about stuff from the get go, her first job revolves around the birth itself…

epidural

cheater

Next she moves onto the way your child is fed. She has lots of fun with failed breast feeders…

bottle

And she has an absolute field day if you dare to go back to work after maternity leave…

career

As your child grows so does her hit list…

shoes

nugs

peppa

One of the main things I feel bad about is not wanting to play incredibly tedious imaginary games with my kids for hours on end. The Shitty Guilt Fairy knows I hate these games and she loves to make me feel terrible about it…

phone

She also knows I enjoy a bit of time out and she hates to see me relaxing and having fun…

pub

She’d much rather I did more wholesome things with my free time like helping out at school or volunteering at the summer fete…

PTA2

Unfortunately there is not much you can do to remove the Shitty Guilt Fairy from your life, she will likely stay with you in varying forms and strength until you die.

However you can quieten her down for a bit with the help of her nemesis – logic. Logic is hidden deep inside your brain, surrounded by a forest of bullshit.

logic

Since becoming a parent you may have found it harder to access logic but it is still there, if you shut your eyes real tight, close the magazines and stay off of scary facebook groups, then sensible rational thoughts will start to flow again…

breastfed

The Shitty Guilt Fairy HATES being called a waste of time!

It makes her feel weak and vulnerable thereby providing the perfect opportunity to throw an abundance of logic at her and stamp on her wings until they are mangled to fuck.

(But it’s best not to do it in public cos people give you funny looks).

murder

Sadly her wings are easily repairable and in no time at all she will be flapping about your head again like an annoying mosquito that you just can’t seem to swat. In such situations I would recommended drowning the bitch in wine because wine is the solution to most* of life’s problems…

wine2

*except alcoholism.

toxic

***************

Katie’s book Hurrah For Gin is out on the 6th October and you can pre-order on Amazon here https://www.amazon.co.uk/Hurrah-Gin-perfectly-imperfect-parents/dp/1473639603/

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HurrahforGin

Brighton based digital marketer and Mum to two 'lively' boys. I like cheese, brushing my teeth, rabbits and gin. Gin drinking rabbits would be my ideal companions...

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