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- 19 Apr 17

Stood here batch cooking baby food of a weekday morning, popping my head into the lounge every few minutes to check on my napping baby and I am crying. For what might have been, still.

It’s been 20 months almost to the day since we said goodbye to our first baby boy, and since then a hold heap of things have happened to us, including the birth of his little sister, but still I cry.

Not as often any more. I have more distractions. More on in my life… a 9 month old will give you that. But I’m very aware that I want her brother to be part of her life, and we visit his memorial often. I haven’t yet started to think how I will explain what happened to her.

You never think it will happen to you. Losing a baby in pregnancy, or after birth, must be one of the hardest things to go through – it’s certainly the hardest thing I have had to deal with personally. And even now I have my rainbow, I think my loss has changed me as a person; it has definitely changed me as a mother. I miss the carefree nature of the start of that first pregnancy, a feeling that is echoed by many other angel mums’ blogs I read.

I hope it won’t be too long before we try for another baby, and I know that pregnancy will be even harder in some ways, following the premature birth of our first rainbow. But I guess you just have to stay hopeful that everything will go well, and I’m sending all my love and luck to anyone currently dealing with loss, trying again or having a hard time with any of the difficulties of fertility and pregnancy that nobody talks about. We should talk more.

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Hannah Deacon

Hannah Deacon is mum to one Rainbow Baby, Isla, and is currently a stay at home mum. Lover of food, clothes and the occasional glass of vino, you can also check out her Instagram if you're interested.

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